Blog Archive

Find Me on Facebook

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Circling your head, Contemplating everything you ever said

I have had recently both horrible writer's block, and a desperate need to lay digital pen to paper.  I'm trapped in the confines of what I feel to be a community and societal pressure to be almost perpetually positive, eternally tough and always "bright sided".  And inside...inside, a silent scream to be heard, to be really seen.  Because I'm not feeling positive.  Or tough.  Or even, very bright at the moment.

Yet, I'm stuck in a paralyzing grid of rules and expectations that I can barely navigate any longer.  Surrounded...alone.  I crave friendship, a chat, a kind word...for others to look in on me, pick up the phone or make the first move.  I can't ask, it seems, because that's attention seeking.  Desperate.  An emotional drain.

If I tell you how I'm really feeling, that I cry myself to sleep at least 3 nights a week, that my long suffering husband cares but can't be my lover, my friend and my community all in one package...if I tell you that the weight of scraping the bottom of our pockets to feed ourselves each week leaves me feeling like the worst failure as a a a human being.  If I'm raw and honest and tell you that I really just want to have friends who talk, not just text, who tell me personally before publicly...that's demanding and petty, and selfish, and high maintenance.  You "whinge" too much.  Why don't you have an "attitude of gratitude".  Be positive.

So somehow I find the mask and I slip on my rubber smile.  I Facebook my new job, and how thrilled I am...neglecting to mention how bittersweet it is because my husband is still unemployed and how unfair that I can find a new job while still employed at the old one, and he is desperate to work, but can't.  I make lots of positive noises about how it's a good thing we haven't fallen pregnant straight away because it gives me time to settle into new my job...and stay silent about the pain of knowing that it's not for lack of trying, that we have been told that but for God's grace, we won't conceive naturally.  I'm tired of the knowing looks, the judgement and cynicism about Baker Boy's unemployment.  If you have all given up on him, then God knows why you feel surprised that he struggles not to.

And I'm tired.  I'm exhausted, pretending that it's OK, pretending I'm OK.  Pretending I don't care that I feel so alone surrounded by people, crushed by the weight of expectation and the pressure not to need real connections.  So I sit...paralyzed.  I have no idea what to do, where to turn or how to climb my way out...all I know is that writing this down, and letting it'll probably think it's wrong.  Maybe it is.

But maybe isn't, maybe it's time to be real and stop dying to politely distant perfection.

Friday, May 23, 2014

The no BS, no drama blog manifesto

After massive encouragement from two awesome ladies, I'm going to start blogging again.  And after a third shared with me this post from Renegade Mothering I present to you, as my re-entry post, grungerockchick's "No BS, No Drama Blog Manifesto".

  1. This is my blog.  That means that I can, and will, write about what I think, feel and see, as it hits me.
  2. I'm a human being.  I have a complete life, family, emotions and insecurities just like you do, most of which you can't see or infer just from my blog.
  3. You are totally free to agree, disagree or think anything I write is totally nuts.
  4. You're not going to agree with everything I write here.  I'm not going to agree with your reaction to everything I write here.
  5. That's OK, because part of the reason I write is both to present my point of view to help other people see it, and to broaden my point of view from others' reactions to it.
  6. Feedback is awesome and you're totally free to use the comments section to tell me nicely what you think
  7. However, since this is my blog (see point 1), you're not free to abuse me via comments here or elsewhere
  8. If you do decide to do that, I'll be happy to delete them for you and remind you that I don't appreciate it
  9. If that means you don't want to be my friend anymore, I'll be sad, but glad I found out our friendship was only based on me being an exact copy of you and seeing things the same way you do.
  10. This is my blog.  That means that I can, and will, write about what I think, feel and see, as it hits me.  

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I'm baaaacccck! With some IKEA hack goodness's um.  It's been a while.  How've you been?  Good?  Good.

My front entrance hall - like many front entrance halls - suffers from a semi-perpetual pile of clutter.  A little while ago, I started fixing this by making a coat rack/bag hooks by up-cycling a plank from a shipping pallet a friend gave me.

I've been wanting a keyrack for that space, and am also planning to build a shoe rack from the remainder of the pallet.  Baker Boy and I also recently "made" a giant whiteboard using one of the windows in the house that looks out on a fence and nothing else, by backing the outside of the window in pretty adhesive wrap.

Then a recent trip to IKEA yielded a BESTA cupboard door in the seconds section for $10, and this weekend project was born...

Monday, November 19, 2012

Jesus is not my shield!

I had a little "moment" in worship yesterday.  You see, I'm a sinner.  I'm broken.  I'm lost.  I make mistakes..."often and repeatedly" as Baker Boy would say.  I'm also saved through the amazing sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  And I'm so used to thinking of that in the following ways: sins are covered by the blood of Christ...
...God views me as whole and perfect through Jesus.... sins are washed in the blood of Christ...

Monday, July 2, 2012

Three little words

This is very loosely a sequel to grungerockchick's guide to the fairer sex where I talked about why I really don't think chicks are that hard to figure out.  I am a big proponent of Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages, and my primary languages are Words of Affirmation, with a dash of Physical Touch.

So this entry is another sassy relationship commentary on why I really don't think words are that freaking difficult! :)

You see the biggest single problem with Words of Affirmation, is people...ahem, especially men...seem to have some idea that this means long winded poetry or, those dreaded words "I love you".  Not so!  It's more about quality and less about quantity.  I have been with men who could talk the hind leg off a donkey and yet still leave me feeling unloved.  I've also been with men who said very little, but in a few phrases could make me feel like the most loved woman on the face of the earth.  I have friends who make me feel loved every day with only a sentence or two.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

grungerockchick's guide to the fairer sex

So I was having a wee lil whinge, as you do, to a friend this morning about life in general and as often happens, we had a nice little vent session about you gentlemen.  You see, I really don't think we're that hard.  Really.

When I said to my friend that there are really only three rules you need to follow, she laughed.  Then I told her what they were and she said "Heh.  You're kinda right you know".  I know :).  So, read on...!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Crossing the bridge

Today is Easter Sunday.  Today we celebrate the true meaning of Christ's work for us on the cross...that He not only died for us, but that He was raised to life again for us.

Like many Christians around the nation and around the world, I spent a few hours this morning in a community of faith, worshipping my Savior and giving thanks and praise to Him.  It was also, for me, an opportunity to reflect on what Easter means to me as a Christian, and I'd like to share that with you.