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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Struggling to be a human that continues being

This is not at all easy to write, but I think it's time.  As some of you may know, I have struggled with clinical depression off and on for all of my adult life.  I'm also going through an incredibly tough season personally this year.

The combination of these two factors currently has me in the downhill slope of a Major Depressive Episode (what happens to clinically depressed people when we become very unwell).

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Suicidal Immortal

As the waves of grief threaten to crash upon my shores
However unbearable that looming pressure is
I will endure forever more.

I stand here broken and yet somehow in tact
Unbelievably believing that this tsunami of pain
Will, even as it sweeps me up, smashes me again and again
Not shake my core, my resolve
It will not take my life.

For though I am battered
I am bruised
I am broken
Pain sears seemingly endless flames around me
I will endure because above it all
I am a mother.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Nailed It!

I love doing my nails.  It's something that makes me feel "pretty" no matter how I'm currently feeling about my body.  What I don't love about it is the expense of some of the more "fancy" nail stuff.

Fear no more, nail loving peeps.  I have discovered an awesome use for the waterslide decal paper I have left over from Baker Boy and my wedding craft - CUSTOM NAIL DECALS.  You can pick this stuff up for around $1.00 - $2.00 per sheet online, which is enough for about 10-15 manicures if you put a decal on every nail.

Super super easy steps:
- Turn on BBC's Torchwood.  I find doing my nails in front of TV helps me go slow enough to not wreck what I'm doing.
- Print out decal designs.  Optimally, these are around 1cm square for my nails - YMMV.
- Coat the printed area in a single layer of your clear/top coat polish, NOT spray acrylic
- Wait for that to dry.
- While waiting, paint nails with an opaque, light coloured base (I chose two coats of OPI's french white,topped with a thin layer of their french pink)
- Cut out your decals, soak in water and apply to nail surface as you would normally apply to glass, ceramic, etc.
- Let the decals dry and set on your nails until the episode ends for at least 10 - 20 minutes.  
- Apply another layer of top coat and let it dry until the next Torchwood episode ends for at least 10 minutes.
- Think how much MORE awesome this would look if you were one of those people who can apply base coat without also covering your cuticles.
- Look at your nails and demand that your spouse tell you what a flipping genius you are.

You can happily gang these on a sheet and print off quite a few in advance if you like, for future manicures.  Be aware that using decal paper, what you end up with is inkjet printing on a CLEAR sheet, so whatever base is on your nails, needs to be something light to really make your design pop.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Circling your head, Contemplating everything you ever said

I have had recently both horrible writer's block, and a desperate need to lay digital pen to paper.  I'm trapped in the confines of what I feel to be a community and societal pressure to be almost perpetually positive, eternally tough and always "bright sided".  And inside...inside, a silent scream to be heard, to be really seen.  Because I'm not feeling positive.  Or tough.  Or even, very bright at the moment.

Yet, I'm stuck in a paralyzing grid of rules and expectations that I can barely navigate any longer.  Surrounded...alone.  I crave friendship, a chat, a kind word...for others to look in on me, pick up the phone or make the first move.  I can't ask, it seems, because that's attention seeking.  Desperate.  An emotional drain.

If I tell you how I'm really feeling, that I cry myself to sleep at least 3 nights a week, that my long suffering husband cares but can't be my lover, my friend and my community all in one package...if I tell you that the weight of scraping the bottom of our pockets to feed ourselves each week leaves me feeling like the worst failure as a a a human being.  If I'm raw and honest and tell you that I really just want to have friends who talk, not just text, who tell me personally before publicly...that's demanding and petty, and selfish, and high maintenance.  You "whinge" too much.  Why don't you have an "attitude of gratitude".  Be positive.

So somehow I find the mask and I slip on my rubber smile.  I Facebook my new job, and how thrilled I am...neglecting to mention how bittersweet it is because my husband is still unemployed and how unfair that I can find a new job while still employed at the old one, and he is desperate to work, but can't.  I make lots of positive noises about how it's a good thing we haven't fallen pregnant straight away because it gives me time to settle into new my job...and stay silent about the pain of knowing that it's not for lack of trying, that we have been told that but for God's grace, we won't conceive naturally.  I'm tired of the knowing looks, the judgement and cynicism about Baker Boy's unemployment.  If you have all given up on him, then God knows why you feel surprised that he struggles not to.

And I'm tired.  I'm exhausted, pretending that it's OK, pretending I'm OK.  Pretending I don't care that I feel so alone surrounded by people, crushed by the weight of expectation and the pressure not to need real connections.  So I sit...paralyzed.  I have no idea what to do, where to turn or how to climb my way out...all I know is that writing this down, and letting it'll probably think it's wrong.  Maybe it is.

But maybe isn't, maybe it's time to be real and stop dying to politely distant perfection.

Friday, May 23, 2014

The no BS, no drama blog manifesto

After massive encouragement from two awesome ladies, I'm going to start blogging again.  And after a third shared with me this post from Renegade Mothering I present to you, as my re-entry post, grungerockchick's "No BS, No Drama Blog Manifesto".

  1. This is my blog.  That means that I can, and will, write about what I think, feel and see, as it hits me.
  2. I'm a human being.  I have a complete life, family, emotions and insecurities just like you do, most of which you can't see or infer just from my blog.
  3. You are totally free to agree, disagree or think anything I write is totally nuts.
  4. You're not going to agree with everything I write here.  I'm not going to agree with your reaction to everything I write here.
  5. That's OK, because part of the reason I write is both to present my point of view to help other people see it, and to broaden my point of view from others' reactions to it.
  6. Feedback is awesome and you're totally free to use the comments section to tell me nicely what you think
  7. However, since this is my blog (see point 1), you're not free to abuse me via comments here or elsewhere
  8. If you do decide to do that, I'll be happy to delete them for you and remind you that I don't appreciate it
  9. If that means you don't want to be my friend anymore, I'll be sad, but glad I found out our friendship was only based on me being an exact copy of you and seeing things the same way you do.
  10. This is my blog.  That means that I can, and will, write about what I think, feel and see, as it hits me.  

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I'm baaaacccck! With some IKEA hack goodness's um.  It's been a while.  How've you been?  Good?  Good.

My front entrance hall - like many front entrance halls - suffers from a semi-perpetual pile of clutter.  A little while ago, I started fixing this by making a coat rack/bag hooks by up-cycling a plank from a shipping pallet a friend gave me.

I've been wanting a keyrack for that space, and am also planning to build a shoe rack from the remainder of the pallet.  Baker Boy and I also recently "made" a giant whiteboard using one of the windows in the house that looks out on a fence and nothing else, by backing the outside of the window in pretty adhesive wrap.

Then a recent trip to IKEA yielded a BESTA cupboard door in the seconds section for $10, and this weekend project was born...

Monday, November 19, 2012

Jesus is not my shield!

I had a little "moment" in worship yesterday.  You see, I'm a sinner.  I'm broken.  I'm lost.  I make mistakes..."often and repeatedly" as Baker Boy would say.  I'm also saved through the amazing sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  And I'm so used to thinking of that in the following ways: sins are covered by the blood of Christ...
...God views me as whole and perfect through Jesus.... sins are washed in the blood of Christ...